Where to begin? My life, in its current iteration, is chaos. So many things have changed recently. Some for the best, more for the worst, and some that are still to be decided. It may be too early to go into the nitty-gritty, so let’s start with some of the big picture items. This first post promises to be disjointed and rambly, and I refuse to edit it. Most of my posts will probably end up that way. The goal here is stream of consciousness, not Pulitzer Prize. Deal with it.

Who am I?

As is probably true with most people, this is probably one of the most loaded questions of all time. I like to tell myself that I have a very good grasp on who I am, what I stand for, and where I am going. For the most part, I still stand by that statement. I was raised with a very strong grasp on my morals and integrity. I don’t lie, I don’t cheat and I typically do not waver in my convictions. I suppose this can be both a good and bad thing, but it really is who I am. And really, at this current juncture in my life, it is something I am not interested in changing.

Some would argue that I am successful at what I choose to do for a career, but I have a hard time feeling accomplished. New York only really exacerbates that, but we can save that for some other time. I work in an industry filled with amazing people, doing amazing things. I just happened to get stuck working with a lot of people who’s sole purpose in life seems to be cheating the guy/girl on the other side of the table. Again, most likely more on that later.

I have always vilified blogging and bloggers for no real good reason. For some reason, I just picture a bunch of people like this:

and it makes me angry inside (Sorry dude who’s in that picture. I found it on Google). The whole blogging culture just seemed to be a bunch people who grew up on livejournal and decided that they could make a living by sharing their opinions online and hoping enough people read it to pick up some advertising revenue and/or get some sort of book deal. I guess that makes me a little bit of a hypocrite, now that I am blogging, but I can live with it. Odds are no one is ever going to see this blog anyways.

FAIR WARNING I have a tendency to be a little ranty, a little melodramatic, a lot asshole, and all topped with a little sprinkle of cheese and nerdery. (Maybe this really is livejournal.)

Why the blog?

I grew up writing. Writing helped me get through some of the most challenging times of my life. It really all started in High School when I saw my sister writing poetry and I wanted to be like her. I wrote poems, I wrote prose, I wrote random rants on random subjects. But I wrote. Much of the material was sophomoric, most of it was poorly thought out and with poor structure poetically and grammatically, but all of it was therapeutic. That’s what counts.

November marks my third year in New York City. New York has taken away some of the best parts of me, while allowing me to resolve some of my worst. To be clear, I have a very serious love/hate relationship with New York, but maybe not for the reasons that most people do.

When I came to New York, I made the conscious decision to not live in Manhattan. There are a number of reasons for this, first and foremost the one stated above – I hate New York and the people in it. One of my very good friends has referred to me as a misanthrope, and I cannot really debate it too vehemently. I hate being around large groups of people. It gives me anxiety and causes undue stress. I have a very close group of family and friends that I love with all my heart. They are a group of people that I would not question on anything. They are a group of people that I, legitimately, would do anything for. But they are also a very small group of people, and even then, I do not see them that often. And even when surrounded by those that I love, I lock up when there are a large group of them together.

Everyone else really has very little impact on my life and that is largely the way that I like it.

However, I have lived in New York for almost three years and I hate to have to admit that I have successfully avoided actually experiencing New York at all. I know the area I live, I know the area I work, and I know Union Square because I have to go there to get bones for my dog at Trader Joes. I tell myself that I am getting the hell out of here as soon as I can, but I would probably end up regretting not trying to experience New York to the best of my ability while I have the opportunity to do so.

That all being said, this is the view that I have sitting at my computer:

I basically sit here and stare at one of the most widely acclaimed cities in the world, and have done nothing to explore it for three years. The goal now is to make sure that I cannot make that statement when I leave this place.

The Project

I recently purchased a book from some random bookstore titled Of Dice and Men.

It proclaims itself to be “The story of dungeons & dragons and the people who play it”. It was signed, and I’m a nerd, so I bought it. This was probably 3 months ago, and I have yet to open it. However! I grew up playing D&D and it has a very warm place in my heart. The sound of dice rolling, and the joys of character creation and min-maxing will always be a part of me for better or worse.

My new project is this:

Buy some dice – 2x 10 sided and 1x 12 sided. Roll them once a week with the 2x 10 sided dice representing a Street number, and the 12 sided dice representing an Avenue number. Mark the intersection down on the giant map of Manhattan I just bought. Go to said intersection and just wander for an afternoon, a day, a couple hours, whatever floats my boat. Major drawbacks of plan include not being able to start north of 100st, or south of Houston. Also includes not being able to not start on the non-numbered avenues. Hopefully I will find a way to address these in time.

The hope is that in my wanderings, I will find solace (and hopefully good places to shove my face). As briefly outlined above, I have a number of issues in my life that I am actively not addressing. They range from relationship (or lack there of) issues, to work issues, to confidence issues, to stress and anxiety issues, to health issues, to just plain loneliness. There are many more like them, but these issues are mine. (That sounds a lot like the Marine rifle pledge, so I hope no one is offended by that. It just came out that way and I don’t feel like changing it.) No matter how lame, or cheesy, or dumb anyone may think it sounds, I am truly hoping that in my soon to be wanderings I will re-connect with myself. That I will find a way to rediscover myself and banish my own demons (how amazing would it be if I was using a d20 and crit the shit out of my demons! If only life were that easy). Whether it works or not is up to me, my musing, and my writing. You only get to be a part of one of the three.

And thus, Of Dice and Demons was born.

The Gameplan

I hate to do anything alone so I have recruited my best friend to join me. He is not allowed on public transportation because he can be kind of pushy with his nose, so I have found an adequate proxy for him. Meet Smurf and Banana, they are both pictured here:

…and then Smurf found out he was going to be replaced with a proxy and got angry:

Smurf and/or Banana will be joining me on my journeys through Manhattan and will most likely be the object of any and all pictures taken. Along with the help of my trusty journal, and most likely a good deal of support from Yelp, I hope I to find out why everyone but me seems to be in love with this city.

More when the Map and Dice are procured.