Hello world. It has been quite some time since I have written to you. Please know this is not for a lack of caring or happenings in my life, but a lack of motivation. There have been many times I have been inspired to write, and an equal number of times in which I have decided that what I wanted to say was not really poignant enough to put out into the world. There are probably an assortment of reasons for this, and none of them are probably any better of excuses than the rest.

I suppose the most important update is that I have found more people who I adore. There are three more people in my life who I think are fantastic and that I love spending my time with.

One of them I dated briefly. I met her online, as that’s really the only place I feel like I can meet people these days, but she is one of the most real people I know. She is a lot like Her actually in that she feels all of her emotions very intensely, but is different in that she tries to logic her way through them, like I do. She knows when she’s happy, and she knows when she’s sad and she is not afraid to let those around her know what she’s feeling. She speaks her mind, and can be a little too blunt at times but there is truth in many of the things she says. She is young, but has forced me to accept a reality that I am not happy with, but need to become better at accepting. I am glad we are still friends. I am glad that we can still hang out and be comfortable with each other. I don’t really know where the friendship will go because we actually don’t have that much in common with each other, but that’s life. People come, people go, and everyone moves forward.

That has been one of the things that I felt I needed to understand. It is not a bad thing when people leave your life. It is not always a good thing, and it is often not ideal, but it happens. It is a reality that everyone needs to learn to deal with on their own terms in a case by case basis.  This is my most recent discovery in becoming an adult, and probably qualifies as New York Epiphany #3 or whatever number I’m on.

The loss of things and people in our lives is never always good or bad. It is always what you make it to be and how you wrap it into the story of your own life.

Another one of my new favorite people is going through a tough time in her life. We’ve talked about it some, and the strength and courage she shows in dealing with it is inspirational. She is fantastic. She’s kind and thoughtful, she’s funny and adventurous, she wants to go spend time outdoors and climb, and also wants to spend time watching tv and playing board games. She wants to watch burlesque Snow White, but misses going to the ballet. She is nerdy and sophisticated. She is like a female version of me, cept she dances and I don’t. I am comfortable talking to her about basically anything. She asks me questions about myself that make me really need to try and understand myself and the world I live in a little better. Being with her makes me feel optimistic about life.

It is one of the great injustices of the world that great people need to deal with great pain, and terrible people are often the beneficiaries of great benefit.

All that being said, she did open up to me a little bit about what she was going through and it really made me reflect quite a bit on my own approach to life and my relationships. I have not talked to Her in quite some time. We argued about something stupid again and we haven’t hung out since. She’s probably very happy with her new boyfriend. I am happy for her. She deserves the best and deserves to be with someone who takes care of her. She needs to be with someone who is able to fit all of the contours of Her life into the contours of his. I was never able to do that for her. She is still important to me. She is still a huge part of my past that there is really no getting away from, but she is no longer really an active player in my life.

And it has dawned on me that this isn’t a terrible thing. For a very long time I thought that I needed to always be in touch with Her. That I wanted to have her play an active role in my life because of the role She played in my past. I really don’t think that’s the case anymore. I don’t want to be her enemy, and I don’t want to stop talking to her, but I also don’t feel the need to have her involved actively in my normal doings.

That is one of the more extreme cases I suppose. She has been discussed ad nauseum in this blog, and will probably continue to be mentioned, but I feel like I am truly comfortable moving on with my life without her constant presence. I wish Her the best.

The other part of the new epiphany truly has to deal with my friends and my ongoing relationships with them. I have found this new group of people to hang out with that make me happy. It has not been a very long time since I have actively been hanging out with them, but I am always looking forward to doing so. I have found that recently I have been wary of joining in group activities with some of my other friends and there have been a couple experiences that have made me question whether or not the people that I consider my friends are actually my friends.

This is apparently a really touchy subject and I feel alone in my need or ability to try to rationally approach why my friends are my friends. I suppose it all really boils down to what you need in a friend, and there is apparently not a universally accepted definition.

At the risk of repeating myself, I consider myself to be a very simple person. I don’t have that many layers, and anyone who cares enough to ask about any of my inner layers typically will get a very honest response. I believe I am a very loyal friend to those who are important to me, but I also know that I am vindictive and spiteful and can be hateful to those who anger me. I hold grudges like a motherfucker, but many times I will be willing to forgive and move on, but in some very special cases… I am not so generous.

I am digressing, as usual on this blog.

I do not feel like I ask for that much from my friends, but what I do ask for I typically end up relying very heavily on. I am getting better at having acquaintances and casual friends, but I do not generally favor having them around me. I like surrounding myself with people that know me very well, that understand my quirks and allow me to just be me. I suppose one of the things that I really demand of my friends is a kind of unwavering loyalty. It is a trait that I have in spades and I kind of assume that everyone else has that same basic understanding. What I am finding is that is not necessarily true. I am not sure how many of my friends or family really know or care, but if any of them was in trouble, I would always be there. Many of them would never turn to me or ask me, but if they did, I would always be there. This is one of the things that I expect from my friends. I rarely, rarely ask my friends for favors in the size or scope of things that I am thinking about, but expect that in a friendship, these things are always there. For the most part, the people that I truly consider my friends would do so.

The whole last paragraph doesn’t make any sense. I have no idea what I’m trying to say. I guess it really boils down to this. I need to be able to rely on my friends. I am not a strong enough person to be able to go through my life on my own. I do not have the willpower to push myself to achieve and I need the base of support in my friends to catch me in the event that I fail or need a hand. I need this support to be unconditional and unquestioning. I find that I am always uncomfortable with who I am unless I have people that I can rely on to this extent.

This is one of my most severe flaws and one of the reasons that I am terrified that I will not be able to achieve all of the things that I want in my life. I have never been able to solve this. I have never been able to figure out how to even get started solving this. I have always just relied on my friends and significant others to provide this structure for me. This is a much larger issue and will probably require more than just stream of consciousness and assorted musings to resolve.

This issue came to light for me recently because in an odd twist of fate, I am now basically the only single person I hang out with. This has made me oddly resentful of my friends for really no good reason. It has made me question their reliability and I feel terrible about doing it.

It is unfair and has no bearing on our actual relationship, but for some reason it makes me feel unbearably alone. I’ve tried to get back onto the dating scene, but I really just cannot abide going on anymore first dates. I cannot deal with awkward talk or the need to try and convince someone else about why I am a cool person. I don’t have game, I don’t have moves. I have me.

I got into a conversation with “Emily” once about dating. It was about girls and good guys vs bad guys. It was about how the bad guys always won because the bad guys always had the balls to cheat their way into something that isn’t real, and that the good guys always lose because by trying to do the right thing and making it a real thing for the girl all the time, a majority of the time they will be perceived as weak or merely friend material. Maybe this is isolated to me, and maybe this is me trying to justify my hatred for dating in New York. Since Her, I’ve dated two wonderful people, three people I didn’t mind, and a handful of people that I don’t remember the names of. In the case of “Emily”, I really am saddened by the fact that it didn’t work out. I thought It was going so well too. She has so many of the qualities that I find attractive in a person and seemed to just be a genuinely good person. I am sad that we fell out of touch, and I randomly think about calling/texting/emailing her often- knowing full well that this is a terrible idea.

That all being said, and circling back to one of my earlier statements. Two of the three people that I have been spending a lot of time with recently all share the many of the same traits that I found so appealing in “Emily”. Rereading what I have written before, I suppose I actually mentioned one of them before. I texted her over a year ago to wish her Merry Christmas and told her that we should be real friends since we were only dog owner friends. She was amenable and has introduced me to some of her friends and we all get along swimmingly. I think that the best part about it is that I have met people who truly like doing the things that I do, and even if there are things that they don’t really know about, they are often willing to try to do something new. My two new favorite people are outgoing and happy, open minded and kind. They are unashamed of the things that they like, and the things that they don’t. They are inclusive and I never really feel like they are judging me. These are the types of people that I need more of in my life.

I guess it really is true what they say. There are always more fish in the sea, and eventually, hopefully, even I will find someone who (yay shitty clichés) completes my life.

That’s it for now. I can’t think anymore.